Breaking free: God never intended for us to be “too hard on ourselves.”

For almost the entirety of my life, I’ve chronically suffered from the self-inflicted burden of being “too hard on myself.” Perhaps you know the feeling. When I feel I’ve disappointed myself, others, or even worse– each time I fall short of the glory of God, I beat myself up big time. I beat myself up over the teeniest of mistakes and accidental errors. I beat myself up over pain I’ve accidentally caused to others– the impact my words or actions can have even when it wasn’t the intent. I beat myself up over self-imposed rules and regulations. Heck– I will even sometimes get grumpy at myself for getting grumpy. Have any of you ever been in a funk with yourself simply because you’re in a funk and don’t want to be? HA! I’m the first to raise my hand every time. It’s unfortunate. I will be too hard on myself about anything. While it’s funny when it’s worded this way, it’s a miserable way to live. It’s an ugly habit that formed at the crossroads of my inner-achiever and my passionate inclination to care so deeply. It’s been a battle I’ve fought for a long time. My friends and family are constantly saying to me, “Sarah, don’t be so hard on yourself.” Who do I think I am that I can hold LESS grace for myself than that which God holds for me?! God has tenfold more grace for me. Pride check. God gives His grace to me more easily and abundantly than I could ever give it to myself. Humility check.

Much like I prayed and believed for God to finally break and remove approval addiction and the burden of caring too much about the opinions of others from my life, I believe He is in the works of helping me finally break free from the self-imposed chains of being “too hard on myself.” I have no doubt that the latter will join the ever-growing pile of muck that God has freed me from. Thank you, Jesus!!

As I was reading in Nehemiah this past month, it hit me like a ton of bricks: I’m failing to live in a holy way when I treat myself the way I do. I’m failing to remember that God calls us to be holy (simply meaning set apart for Him) when I beat myself up and impose a burden on myself I was never created nor intended to carry. Why? Because when I beat myself up– I’m focusing so much on self and much less on His overabundant grace. Let me explain… 

After the exile, the temple of Jerusalem had been rebuilt, and after Nehemiah returned to rebuild the walls of Jerusalem, we see a beautiful picture told in the book of Nehemiah of the holiness that I am speaking about above. It reads in Nehemiah 8:2 that Ezra “brought the law before the assembly of men, women, and all who could listen with understanding.” The scripture goes on to read in verse 3, “While he was facing the square in front of the Water Gate, he read out of it [the law] from daybreak until noon before the men, the women, and those who could understand. All the people listened attentively to the book of the law.” 

Then as everyone is gathered, essentially having church, Nehemiah 8:9-12 reads:

“Nehemiah the governor, Ezra the priest and scribe, and the Levites who were instructing the people said to all of them, ‘This day is holy to the LORD your God. Do not mourn or weep.’ For all the people were weeping as they heard the words of the law. Then he said to them, ‘Go and eat what is rich, drink what is sweet, and send portions to those who have nothing prepared, since today is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, because the joy of the LORD is your strength.’ And the Levites quieted all the people, saying ‘Be still, since today is holy. Don’t grieve.’ Then all the people began to eat and drink, send portions, and have a great celebration, because they had understood the words that were explained to them.”

Did you catch that? Three times in a row it was instructed that the people should not mourn, grieve, or weep and instead fall into celebration and fellowship with one another because it was a holy day. What does this say about holiness? What does this say about us when we see we’ve fallen short? I felt as though the Holy Spirit opened my eyes in such a brand new way as I read this passage. It is established in this scripture that we are to continually focus on the grace-extending, saving-joy, and goodness the Lord strengthens us with over the moments when we continually miss the mark. It makes it so clear that true holiness is honoring and celebrating the goodness of God over the imperfection of our humanity. I feel like this is such a picture in the old testament of Jesus. Despite their mourning and grief over failing the law, it is commanded that they celebrate and have fellowship. We see God’s mercy, compassion, and grace held and esteemed above the law: We see Jesus!

A little bit further down in chapter 8 verse 17 it reads, “the Israelites had not celebrated like this from the days of Joshua son of Nun until that day. And there was tremendous joy.” Oh the joy that comes when we shift our focus onto God and off of ourselves! Everything changes. Even when we are looking at ourselves in repentant sorrow because of our sin and imperfection, it still makes a world of a difference to focus more on His goodness– His redemption– His restoration– His saving-grace. Not only did taking the focus off of themselves give God His proper celebration, but it also made them more like Him, like in their practice of generosity in sending portions to those who had none. God simply wants us to delight in Him, delight in His goodness, and delight in the fact that His good prevails despite our constant shortfalls. God is more interested in our praise than the grief that comes with our shortcomings. God is more interested in our recognition of His Majesty than denying ourselves the grace He so readily provided us through Jesus. God is more interested in our celebration of who He is and His goodness than our ineffectual dwelling on self! He simply wants us to repent, turn away from that which is not of Him, and rest in praise of Him.

We could have a pity party about self or choose to celebrate God in grandeur that His mercies are new every morning (see Lamentations 3:22-23)– that we could never slip up so badly that He wouldn’t hold us in the palm of His hand and call us His beloved. This passage in Nehemiah opened my eyes to the truth behind the moments I become super hard on myself. I’m denying the Creator celebration and praise when I become aware of a shortcoming in my life and choose to dwell on it by mentally and emotionally beating myself up. This is what the enemy wants for us, but this is not what God wants for us. In choosing to be hard on myself, I’m blazing right past the loving, forgiving, merciful, redeeming gaze of my Father and choosing to lock my eyes on myself! YUCK!! In choosing to beat myself up time and time again over things I, in my humanity, will encounter for the rest of my life because we can never be perfect, I’m neglecting the IMMEDIATE, white-as-snow sin-removal and grace that Jesus brought us through His agonizing death on the cross. I’m doing exactly what Satan wants me to do– focusing on myself. Simply put: when I’m hard on myself, I’m spending more time on “self” and less time in gratitude that He has saved me from myself. 

And just to be clear, this passage isn’t talking about not grieving and mourning at all!! That is not what Nehemiah, Ezra, and the Levites are saying here. They aren’t saying we cannot grieve if we wish to be holy and set apart for the Lord. They are, however, talking about a specific kind of grief; they are talking about the mourning and grieving that comes from looking inwardly and focusing on our flaws and missteps. They are talking about the grieving that comes when you see God’s standard and then stare at yourself in the mirror longer and more intently than switching your gaze quickly to the Lord, as you realize how desperately you need His strength, power, and goodness to override everything you’ll never be. This is a self-centered form of grieving rooted in pride– frustration that our sin-nature will forever make us fall short. It’s a grieving that highlights our need for utter and complete dependence ON HIM when sometimes we wish we could depend on ourselves– that we could “win” on our own– that we, in our own strength, could rise. THAT is the kind of grieving they are commanding the people not to do. When I’m beating myself up and crying incessantly over something God already gave His grace to cover, I’m being quite prideful. I’m irritated that I, once again, have to face my sin-nature and imperfection. I’m having to come face-to-face with the reality that, without God, I’ll never be enough. It’s another moment where God gets to squash our pride in ourselves, and build our humility. That’s never fun.

What’s beautiful about this, though, is that in Nehemiah they are calling the people to replace self-centered-grieving with fellowship and celebration; Rejoicing with one another together that God’s goodness remains and runs supreme over every misstep we might make. He calls us to delight in His creation– by eating, drinking, giving, and celebrating life and mercy. How wild is the amount of joy that comes when we do what we were made to do– Worship Him! Celebrate Him! Celebrate Him in community with our people! No wonder they felt tremendous joy in Nehemiah 8:17.

What’s beautiful, too, is that in chapter 9 of Nehemiah, the Israelites assemble for a national confession of sin. What follows in the pronouncement of receipt after receipt after receipt of God’s goodness, faithfulness, righteousness, and compassion even though they continued to fail, fall short, sin, and make poor decisions. God’s abundant compassion continually pulled them back. We are called to repent, but then we are called to focus on His compassion for us. 

Hallelujah that we have a God that loves us too much to leave us as the same broken humans that we are. He calls us to rise, and it just takes our agreement with Him and reliance on Him to do so. We can never do it on our own, but we can do it WITH HIM, and that is something to celebrate. I know that God is breaking this off of my life, and this revelation from Nehemiah might just have done it. It revealed so heavily to me that the time I spend dwelling on my shortcomings elevates my pride over the gratitude I hold for God’s grace. It makes me want to set a new challenge for myself: How quickly can I recognize a shortfall, authentically repent, and then bask in praising God for the lesson and worshiping Him for His mercy. I want to be one that is never debilitated by focusing on my own sin as the enemy desires and instead strengthened by perpetually elevating God’s Majesty.   

Come into agreement with God and replace your mourning and grieving that is fixated on self with praise and worship of His never-ending goodness and compassion.