The Fleeting side of Fullness

Since my wedding, I have been wildly overcome with the fleeting nature of life. It is mind-boggling to me how time manages to pass both slowly and quickly all at once. It is ephemeral. I remember exactly where I was in my freshman year of college, pursuing a bachelor of fine arts in dance, when my Professor, Megan Slayter, explained the concept of the “ephemeral.” It is the first time I very vividly recall learning the true meaning of the word. It was used often in the dance world. We’d perform these lengthy concert nights of dance choreography, and the entire idea was that the way it happened would never again exist. There was nothing about our physical performance that would ever happen exactly the same way a second time. With the nuances of the human body and multiple dancers sharing the stage together, it was always new– Never would we perform that exact dance piece in that exact way ever again. It didn’t live on. It was fleeting. It was the first time I fully understood how much value there was in the ephemeral. 

Life on earth is ephemeral. The funny thing about life, though, is that sometimes in going about the day-to-day rhythms that life throws at you, you forget that it doesn’t live on forever. You can almost risk getting sucked into the cadence of life and forget that every moment and every breath is a gift. It somehow passes by slowly and all too quickly at the same time. 

Something you planned months for is now over and gone in the blink of an eye. That baby you gave birth to is now an adult. That project you worked months on is but a wisp of smoke– here one moment and gone the next. The length of a human’s life is but a breath. How can this be?

The phrase God set alight in my heart this year that would become the ruling motif of my entire year was “seek the fullness.” I have been praying to seek and see His Fullness more than ever before– Truly yearning to know the fullness of my Savior and Helper and King in every single way He allows. Since my wedding, however, God has made me more aware than ever of the backside to seeking His fullness. It’s a backside that ties directly to the fleeting side of life. 

Originally, I wanted to write a blog post on what I heard in conversation with God while outworking my feelings on this fleeting nature. I was feeling a mixture of just about everything (sadness, confusion, anxiety, longing, bittersweetness, and the list goes on) after I watched an extremely important day, that took months to plan, pass by in a moment. It was an incredible day, and I’m so grateful I prayed to be completely present during the entire day, but as I received my pictures back from the wedding, the fleeting nature of it hit me all over again! It passed so quickly. What was this anxiety and emotion attached to the ephemeral and why was it so stirred up in my heart and mind? Why was I so suddenly aware that nothing in this life compares to one moment in God’s presence? Why was my attention arrested by the fact that the BEST of this life flies by and simply cannot leave lasting fulfillment? 

During my God time one slow Friday morning, I began to process it out in a note on my phone with Him. It was this very intimate moment where I felt the Lord so clearly and specifically speak EXACTLY what I was feeling. It suddenly all made so much sense: the awareness of the fleeting nature in tandem with the theme of my year. I wanted to attempt to write it out in a different way, but I almost feel that simply copying and pasting my conversation with Him does the job more effectively than I ever could in reshaping and reorganizing what I heard. The following conversation occurred after I asked the Holy Spirit a million and one questions about why I was a big ball of emotions and so hyper aware of the “ephemeral” nature of life. I was conflicted because it was a ball of all-things-good tangled and matted up with some confusion and anxiety of how quickly the best things and best feelings in this world seem to pass by– things given to me by the hand of God. What is the meaning, Lord, of all the best things and good things if they only last but a moment? My prayer as you read this conversation between God and I that it sparks something in your heart or sheds light on a question you’ve wrestled with yourself:

Him:

Sarah… I give you beautiful things. I give you good things. I give you favor and joy and abundance and peace and fun and life. I have allowed everything you have in your life. I am the cause and the result of everything good. I am the Bringer and the Taker. I control time. I control everything. If I allowed anything to bring you too much glee or joy or fulfillment, you would take your eyes off of Me. You know I’m # 1. You know I’m First Place. You know I’m your everything. I’m your Beginning and your End and your everything in between. I think you hope and wish you’d feel a little bit more of what you feel in Me in the things I give you… But Sarah they won’t ever feel fully like Me because they are only an extension of Me, a gift from Me, or an allowance from Me. These things are all on borrowed time, Sarah. You’re on My time. I know what you desire. I know what you want. I know the dreams of your heart. I placed them there. Still– even if I gave you everything you ever wanted, it wouldn’t come close to being as fulfilling as Me. You’re mine. You’re not at home if not at home in Me. You’re not at peace if not solely at peace in Me. You won’t feel the fullness of joy that you seek if not for finding it entirely in Me.

Sarah, you wanted to seek the fullness of Me in all ways. I know you still do. Do you realize now that the more you seek True Fullness, the more you see and notice that everything else in your life doesn’t compare and the more awareness you have of just how much cannot come close to My Fullness? You’re noticing that it is but a breath compared to Me. But, it’s okay! As long as I’m your fullness, the other things get to be additions. Connor is never your fullness, which you know, but he can be an addition. An add on that was given from My hand. Your dream of speaking, preaching, and teaching My Word and the revelations you get from Me will never be your fullness, but it will be an add on. It’s only an add on, however, that I can bring you. Your friends and your family and the strong love you have for them, that you want reciprocated in all of them, will never be your fullness, but it can be an add on. The things I allow you to work hard on and accomplish.. they will never be your fullness, but they can be an add on. The more you keep seeking My Fullness, the more you will see that the others don’t compare but instead become avenues that My Fullness can be seen, experienced, and outworked. They are simply add ons that I saw fit for you to have– Avenues in which you can live out and respond to the fullness I give you.  

Me:
What else do you have to say, God?? 

Him: 

When you’re sad about or wrapped up in your feelings with the add ons I’ve given you… when you’re sad or disappointed about the events you’ve gotten to have and you see how they passed by too quickly… you’re putting emphasis on the world. You’re putting emphasis on your humanity. You’re so much more than human, Sarah. Don’t let the adversary distract you by searching for ethereal fullness that can’t come from a worldly relationship or event. Don’t let the adversary fool you into worldly feelings shaped by what you wished you felt or had in the world. 

You’ve felt Me… you’ve heard Me… you’ve encountered Me..  and all of this you’ve only ever felt, heard, seen, and encountered IN PART… and that part will smother anything of the world that you try to compare to it. Anytime you even try to feel a similar fulfillment to what you feel with Me in any of these things, you will be left disappointed. You will be left with unrest. You will be left unfulfilled. You will be left craving and grasping and yearning for more. But with Me, you are fulfilled, Sarah. 

This is the other side to seeking the fullness that you didn’t think about when asking Me. It’s the reality of this world and the reality of knowing where True Fullness lies. You will become more and more aware of this contrast with every passing day as My Fullness is revealed to you. 

Me:
So then how do I fully enjoy and make the most and best of all I have in this lifetime, Lord? Of all you’ve given me? Of my husband and my family and my life and my people and my dreams and goals and everything this side of eternity that I feel are from You?? 

Him:

With Me. 

Me:
What do you mean with You, God??? Tell me more!

Him:

Everything I’ve ever given you and ever will give you is an add on to the fulfillment and fullness you will find in Me. Continue to seek My Fullness, and the rest are add ons that bring color, beauty, and testimony to your life and story.

Me:
What exactly do you mean by “add ons,” Lord? 

Him:

They are add ons and avenues in which you will see Me, hear Me, and experience Me. They are also add ons that you get to simply experience and encounter with Me. They are conduits for experiencing the way My Fullness can come to life. They are conduits for outworking your response to My Fullness as well. They are the little things where you’ll feel My tangible peace and joy and fun and delight and boldness and creativity and surrender and purpose and everything I’ve set on and over your life. They are conduits for making you more like Me. They are brief though, Sarah. There is brevity to these. They are ephemeral. You don’t know how many days you have with each of them. So you have to be awake. You have to be alert. You have to activated. You have to partner with Me and be so present in everything I’ve brought you and will bring you. You will use them all to show people where your True Fullness lies. You will use them all to live in alignment and agreement with Me. You will use them in a way that can turn hearts and eyes to Me.

If I didn’t make you so aware of the brevity and fleeting nature of life, you might get lost in it and destroyed by the adversary’s distraction of it. This is wisdom that will fix you more firmly on Me. Without this revelation, wisdom, and understanding, you might get lost searching for what you feel in Me and from Me in people, places, events that you won’t ever fully find it. It would be a distraction. If you know it’s all truly found in Me, your emphasis, priority, intention, and attention will be accurately placed, and you will be free to enjoy the rest without their fleeting nature taking things from you that they were never intended to take. 

Misplaced emphasis, priority, intention, and attention can steal from you (steal joy, peace, etc) because it’s all counterfeit. But emphasis, priority, intention, and attention placed in Me— in My Fullness will make you eternally secure because I can’t be taken from you. My fullness is not fleeting. My fullness is the only constant. Mine is the only secured fullness. My fullness doesn’t change. Mine is the only lasting fullness. Mine is the only one that will NEVER leave you feeling without or lacking, and imagine that you’ve only ever encountered it IN PART. One day, Heavenside, you will know it in FULL. 

Me:
Lord, keep talking to me please. 

Him:

Sarah, allow everything I’ve allowed in your life– allow everything I’ve ever given you and ever will give you lead you closer to My Fullness. As you notice the brevity and ephemeral nature of this side of eternity, make the most out of everything I have given you. Squander nothing. Take nothing for granted. Live fully in all I’ve given you because in doing so more of Me will be revealed to you— more of My Fullness will be revealed to you. You will also get the opportunity to show My Fullness to those around you. 

(conversation ended)

Shortly after this conversation with God, I felt led to repent for when I’ve sought to feel more fulfillment in the things, events, people, and circumstances He has given me than I am intended to. It has been my prayer to be hyper present and recognize His Fullness in all ways in all things. I have prayed that He would teach me to remain in His peace and joy when anything outside of Him leaves me with that “half full” feeling– when any one thing in life passes too quickly, and I’m suddenly arrested with the brevity of life. In a seemingly cheesy explanation, I have learned over the last several weeks that we get to maintain a “glass half full” approach to this side of eternity. It is impossible for anything earthside to bring true fullness, but it is not “half empty,” it just simply cannot compare to the True Fullness we find and feel and get the opportunity to know and encounter in our Savior. When things don’t feel fully fulfilling in this lifetime, they aren’t lacking anything– it simply means you’ve encountered the One who brings fulfillment. You’ve encountered the True Prize. That’s the treasure. 

The glimpses of His Fullness IN PART on this side of eternity are enough that leave you longing for the day you will encounter Him IN FULL. Just to see Him, hear Him, know Him, and encounter Him and His majesty IN PART and seek to discover Him in greater and deeper and wider fullness with every passing day, is enough to make this ephemeral and fleeting side of life such an honor and privilege. It puts the true fear of God in your bones– not wanting to squander a moment of the life He has blessed you with. It makes you want to immediately and quickly obey Him in all He says– fully yielding your life to Him in every way because you are so hyper aware that His plans and His ways are supreme. It makes you want to praise and worship and thank Him all the more. It makes you tremble in the face of His power and word. It’s this truth that helps you to fully wake up to your life and live it as intended. Oh, how much more joy-filled and meaningful it is! Awake, present, and aware of His presence in each and every milestone, relationship, dream, endeavor, and itty-bitty, teeny-tiny fleeting-moment your life entails. I truly believe it’s how we are intended to live this life. When you’re awake to His reality, you don’t want to miss a moment to show His Fullness to anyone and everyone you encounter. Your life becomes the Gospel on display. Your life begins to envelop the principle that we are to long for and love the Lord our God with all our heart, all our soul, and all our mind. The cadence of our life falls in step and rhythm with the Father’s heart, not missing a moment of His revelation or one still-small whisper from the Holy Spirit. This is the life with Him I long to live. Fully present and alive earthside living every day with the longing to know His Fullness Heavenside. Every day becoming His bride as we await His return.